{love again}

there are SO many things i want to blog about, but often not enough time to sit down in front of my ipad and/or i'm too tired by the day's end. but tonight i want to write a little blurb, even if it is just for me to process my day.

this morning i could feel god stretching my heart and initially, i did not like it. you see, he was asking me to love this little girl, brooke, again. 

i probably fell in love with her glowing little body the first day i saw her; her serious face, big almond eyes, and feisty spirit captivated me. and once i was on the receiving end of her smile, laugh, or even her cry (that communicated she wanted me)... it was game over; i was attached.

as you know, i've been advocating for both her health needs and her forever family in the recent weeks. and while i'm very aware of the circumstances surrounding both, when you get news that a family is praying about adopting her (which is awesome!!) or hear someone remind you of her potentially grim prognosis, a wide range of emotions ensue.

this morning, as i was headed to the hospital to see her, i could feel my self-protectiveness rising while wondering what my involvement should be. while ashamed to admit them, the random thoughts went something like this... i've been away for 4 days (taking andrew to beiijing), so maybe she won't remember me? if a family is going to adopt her, should i still love her? if she is going to die soon, maybe i should distance myself? could god really do a miracle? what if i keep loving her and then have to hand her over to her forever family? what if i can't handle the heartache? what if we manage to get her to america and then she dies?  

upon arriving at the hospital and her eyes meeting mine, her arms moved up and down in excitement; she clearly remembered me. i immediately picked her up and in that moment i felt like jesus was asking me to love her again, this day. he didn't reveal to me any more details about her future, but just reminded me of his sacrificial and self-less love for me, and even of his faithfulness in recent years (when i chose to love radically, knowing it would inevitably end in immense heartache and pain).  

i am to love brooke at every opportunity i am given, for whatever time that may be. and whatever he has planned for her future (and however that impacts me, potential heartache/pain and all), jesus's love is/will always be enough. choosing to NOT love out of fear, self-protection, or whatever our "what ifs" are, etc., isn't what christ modeled or how he's called us to love.     

                                                
"Forgive and give as if it were your last opportunity. Love like there's no tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes, love again.”   --Max Lucado