{love again}

there are SO many things i want to blog about, but often not enough time to sit down in front of my ipad and/or i'm too tired by the day's end. but tonight i want to write a little blurb, even if it is just for me to process my day.

this morning i could feel god stretching my heart and initially, i did not like it. you see, he was asking me to love this little girl, brooke, again. 

i probably fell in love with her glowing little body the first day i saw her; her serious face, big almond eyes, and feisty spirit captivated me. and once i was on the receiving end of her smile, laugh, or even her cry (that communicated she wanted me)... it was game over; i was attached.

as you know, i've been advocating for both her health needs and her forever family in the recent weeks. and while i'm very aware of the circumstances surrounding both, when you get news that a family is praying about adopting her (which is awesome!!) or hear someone remind you of her potentially grim prognosis, a wide range of emotions ensue.

this morning, as i was headed to the hospital to see her, i could feel my self-protectiveness rising while wondering what my involvement should be. while ashamed to admit them, the random thoughts went something like this... i've been away for 4 days (taking andrew to beiijing), so maybe she won't remember me? if a family is going to adopt her, should i still love her? if she is going to die soon, maybe i should distance myself? could god really do a miracle? what if i keep loving her and then have to hand her over to her forever family? what if i can't handle the heartache? what if we manage to get her to america and then she dies?  

upon arriving at the hospital and her eyes meeting mine, her arms moved up and down in excitement; she clearly remembered me. i immediately picked her up and in that moment i felt like jesus was asking me to love her again, this day. he didn't reveal to me any more details about her future, but just reminded me of his sacrificial and self-less love for me, and even of his faithfulness in recent years (when i chose to love radically, knowing it would inevitably end in immense heartache and pain).  

i am to love brooke at every opportunity i am given, for whatever time that may be. and whatever he has planned for her future (and however that impacts me, potential heartache/pain and all), jesus's love is/will always be enough. choosing to NOT love out of fear, self-protection, or whatever our "what ifs" are, etc., isn't what christ modeled or how he's called us to love.     

                                                
"Forgive and give as if it were your last opportunity. Love like there's no tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes, love again.”   --Max Lucado  

{update: cameron}

although i've learned over the years that life and work in china demand fexibility, it is still a place where i often feel god stretching (or breaking) my type A personality. today was one of those days. plans for the next 7 days suddenly went out the window (and these days were already not what was originally scheduled). and even now the specific details for the next few days are still up in the air. 

because most of what i'm doing involves children and even small and/or fragile infants AND pulls at my heart-strings, i think the sense of urgency and desire to want to know and/or control the situation is even greater...as if their well-being is somehow in my hands. 

got a picture update of cameron tonight (little boy with severe failure-to-thrive that we took to a new foster home last month). as i saw how well he's doing, it was a reminder that...  

god loves these children more than me. 

god knows what these children need more than me. 

god's timing and plans for these children are perfect; mine are far from. 

god can save them; i can not.
god is in control; i am not.

sometimes in the craziness of whatever i'm doing, perspective can be lost. tonight was another gentle reminder that i need to be still and know that he is god, and relax (for us type As) while waiting upon him for what is next. 

see what god is doing in cameron's life...

 

{radical love}

ended up taking brooke to another hospital in a larger, neighboring city. it definitely redeemed my first hospital experience with her earlier this week. for starters, they actually had pediatric specialists. met with the head of pediatric surgery and her helpful colleague who could speak some english. the unfortunate news...physicians continue to confirm that she needs a liver transplant. (but these physicians were super caring, valued her life and verbalized the tragedy of the situation.) surgeon's best guess was that she'd maybe live a year or two without a transplant.

contact was made with a place in beijing that has done pediatric liver transplants, as well as a proposal to go to USA for treatment, but no success with either thus far. from what i can tell now, her only option is if someone were to adopt her. yep, it would require a crazy leap of faith, radical love, and come with absolutely no guarantees.  

i'd be lying if i said i haven't already been praying about this myself, prior to even knowing the latest regarding her (lack of) treatment options. but all those thoughts are too much for this post. at the end of the day, i must surrender her to whatever god has planned for her life and trust that he'll make that clear in his timing.

i'm extending my stay in beiliu this month to accompany her for a week-long hospital stay that will be starting in a few days. they want to improve her nutrition/hydration and some other things (that i'm not yet fully understanding), in attempt to optimize her current health and buy her some additional time?

i'm loving her as best as i know how, and it is so rewarding when i see her starting to come to life, so-to-speak. while her serious face still prevails, i have experienced both smiles and laughter. she will now coo to get my attention when she sees me in her room. and today, i felt her first tooth. as she becomes attached to me, some things inevitably become harder... she now cries and cries and cries when i put her back in her crib at night. and unfortunately this isn't sleep training; it is truly heartbreaking.

andrew, a preemie, arrived at the orphanage yesterday. after determining that his best chance would be with a foster mom, i proceeded into the city to hunt down a few necessary things. was able to buy some slow flow avent bottles and some nestle premature infant formula. they would never buy these things, first because they have no knowledge of how or why these things are important. (they had already fed him once: formula+rice cereal, nipple with cut hole, lying flat on his back, with bottle propped up on his stomach, held in place with towels. not ideal for any baby, but especially not for this one!) and second, these "specialty" items are extremely expensive for the average chinese person.  

was able to train the foster mom and provide her with the supplies i had purchased. she actually asked great questions and seemed to "get" what i was saying. she practiced feeding him once before they left and it went great. (we did contact a place in beijing that specializes in the care of premature orphans, so that may also be in his future.) 

despite the tears and gut-wrenching heartache that this work week elicited, this was probably also the best week i've had since arriving (if those two can occur simultaneously). hospital settings and most all-things baby related are very easy for me, so it was great in terms of being comfortable/familiar with things and feeling like my skill set/expertise were being put to good use.

**PRAYER REQUESTS**

brooke:

pray for a miracle!

pray for miraculous healing of her liver (and that god would forgive anyone like me who 

sometimes has too little faith in his healing powers)  

pray for her need of a forever family and medical treatment

andrew:

pray that he'd steadily grow and gain weight well

pray that his foster mom would be attentive and able to care for his more-than-the-average-newborn needs

pray that if the beijing home is a better fit for him long-term, that they'd accept him 

me:

pray that i'd find rest and peace in god's sovereignty

pray that i'd love and care for brooke well while we're in the hospital 

pray that i'd be a demonstration and voice of god's love to everyone at the hospital (earlier this week, both staff and parents of other patients were coming out of the woodwork to "have a look" at the foreigner holding the chinese baby.) 

{snapshots}

{no hippa here}

i went with a nanny to take a baby girl to the hospital this morning. the hospital experience goes something like this: pay at the window before seeing doctor or obtaining any procedure. then walk to appropriate area and be aggressive enough to actually be seen (lots of people everywhere, with no obvious system for being called upon). i'm pretty sure the nanny played the "i've got a foreigner with me" card; "you should accommodate us immediately". 

pediatric physical therapy--

was excited to see this area in the hospital (while we were waiting for services), as i thought i had been told it didn't exist. but quickly observed some practices that nearly horrified me. infants (all <1 yo) getting aggressively massaged, tapped(?) and/or hooked up to electrical stimulation.

it is unfortunate that they still believe that massage and electrical stimulation are key interventions to improve and/or normalize muscle activity and movement patterns. few developmental activities were being encouraged, although they had a beautiful developmental chart on their wall.

half an hour of these services costs the equivalent to 6-8 average meals; not exactly cheap. and they are instructed to bring their children daily. it is not surprising that a family "dumped" (word choice used by orphanage staff) their child at the orphanage entrance just last week. the cost of therapy for the past year had become a burden; cheaper to give him up and allow the orphanage to care for him. (scream and then take a deep breath. so many things i want to say, but i'll save that for another post.)

pediatrician visit-- 

imagine a typical doctor's exam room, aesthetically outdated by maybe 60+ years? and substitute wooden desk for typical plinth. at one time i counted 20(!) parents, each with a child, crammed into this room. initially i thought we were "signing in" or something? nope. as i got closer i could see the doctor actually examining kids. talk about space bubbles being invaded and everyone knowing your business. not to mention the shouting that is occasionally going on due to the seemingly lack of order. everything felt so unnecessarily stressful. guess i'll think twice next time i see the doctor in a private room, even if it is only for 10 minutes.  

ultrasound-- 

technology similar to the states. but while we waited for our report and pictures, 2 other patients came and got their ultrasounds as well. thankfully i can't understand chinese medical terminology, otherwise i would know every detail about the woman who came in with abdominal pain and the one who is 7-8 months pregnant.

a common theme amongst the professionals we saw--

they all tried very desperately to communicate to me that caring for this child was not a good idea (i translated to english)... 

"she has too many problems." 

"her health isn't good." 

"it will be very troublesome."

"you could find a healthier child." 

at one point i felt tears well up in my eyes, probably a combination of frustration and immense sadness... i just don't get how they can so easily disregard a life. in my world, children are not disposable.